The Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse is a vicious one. It is self perpetuating and very difficult to break. Being a victim of abuse in childhood often translates into either becoming the victim of abuse later in life, or becoming the perpetrator of abuse on others, or both... and the cycle continues on!
     I don't know how the cycle of abuse began in my family before my parents. I don't know what experiences my father had that taught him it was okay to treat his wife and children the way that he did, and I don't know what experiences my mother had that taught her it was okay to allow him to treat her and her children that way, but I have no doubt that the cycle of abuse in their lives did not begin with them and their marriage.
     What I do know is how the cycle began for me in my family. Before I was even born, the first of four children, my father had been beating, raping, and emotionally torturing my mother for years. Not long after they got married, he was caught molesting my mothers five year old sister, and my mother stayed with him (hoping she could help him get better, something most victims of abuse feel), having four of his children. He went on to beat and emotionally torture us as well, and molest at least two of us, until my parent's divorce when I was six years old.
     My father was not my only experience with abuse as a child. In my first foster home, the parents neglected the foster children, and allowed their teenage sons to discipline us as they saw fit. The sons emotionally abused us, enjoying their power over us, and although I was never sexually abused by them, one of them used my obvious fear of this happening as a way to torture me, another form of sexual abuse. In my second foster home, where I lived from 8-10 years old until being adopted, I was molested by my foster father almost daily. Even after I was adopted, he molested me while on a weekend visit with the family for my foster brothers birthday when I was twelve years old.
    Children learn much of their understanding and beliefs about themselves and relationships through what they witness in their families growing up. Out of the four families I was a part of as a child, I was abused in three of them. Obviously, the messages I received about relationships, love, sex, and self worth, were not positive or healthy ones.
     As a result of witnessing my mother have such little respect and love for herself that she would stay in the situation she and her children were in, I learned to have just as little respect and love for myself. By seeing her so desperately and continuously seek those feelings of respect and love from him, instead of realizing she should be getting those feelings from herself, I learned that those feelings could only be given by a man in my life, and that I was not capable of giving those things to myself.
     Also, as a result of being molested by two father figures in my life, I learned another extremely detrimental and false belief about myself and love. I grew up believing that love from a man could only be attained though sex, and that to get feelings of love and worth I needed to be sexual, and to give my body to them. For me, love from a man came to equal sex.
     By the time I became sexually mature (physically that is), I was so traumatized and misguided about the topics of love, sex, and relationships, that I struggled with more than the usual confusion and sexual issues that teenagers are destined to endure in those years. I was extremely promiscuous in my teens and early adult years, constantly seeking feelings of love and self worth from the men in my life through sex. The feelings of love I received were fleeting and un-fulfilling, and instead of self worth, I only developed a deeper sense of self loathing.
     The sex was inconsequential, and indeed, as a result of the abuse I suffered, I rarely enjoyed it at all. I usually spaced out during the act of sex. In those years, I allowed a lot of men to take advantage of me sexually. While there were many times that my mind was screaming "NO", and sometimes even my lips (although that was ignored by both involved), my body and heart kept saying "yes", hoping that maybe someday I would find the way to experience real love, the kind I knew existed, but did not realize I had my own capacity to feel.
     In my late 20's, towards the end of an emotionally abusive relationship I had been involved in, I finally realized I was continuing the cycle of abuse I had grown up with as a child, and that if I didn't address this issue, the cycle would continue on with me, and likely my children when it came time to have a family. I vowed to myself then that I would do whatever it took to end the cycle with me. That was when I chose the path of healing.
     Even after making this choice, I still ended up in another emotionally abusive relationship. However, this time, there was a difference. I was on a different path, and while I stayed with him for over three years, and dealt with his abuse, I did not simply allow him to treat me that way. I started fighting back. I started defending myself. Even if he did not get the message that I deserved better and was worth more than that, I eventually did! I also learned another very important lesson that I needed to learn. I realized that the only person I had the power to change was myself, and that using my energy for self change would have a much greater effect in my life than trying to change him. These were extremely valuable lessons when it came to breaking the cycle.

     Journal entry, October 15, 2003: Neither one of us is at fault here. We're simply following the patterns, the roles we learned as children, the cycle of abuse. Both of us, me the victim, you the abuser. I grew up imprinting my mother's behaviour, you, your father's. It's a perfectly predictable relationship. Our most influential role models in life are our families, especially in our earliest years. You've never seen a problem with your family, with the way you were raised. Therefore, you would never recognize that there may be a negative pattern you learned, one in which the man is in control, and makes himself feel more powerful by putting down others around him, especially your mother. This type of role model seems far more appealing to aspire to than women who are the victim to men much more harmful and abusive than your father ever was. This was my role model. So it does not make either of us bad people for simply doing what comes naturally to us. However, the thing is, I see the negative effects this pattern, this cycle of abuse I have continued on in my life, has caused in me, and I want these things to change. For a long time I convinced myself that I could help you to see the cycle in yourself too, to want to stop this with me together, but what I have learned in the last little while is that I can only change myself, and I can only make choices for myself. Those choices need to be based around myself not being a victim, and therefore, not being with someone who's patterns are blindly based around a role model who was abusive. Until you are ready to recognize this pattern in yourself, by seeing what you witnessed growing up as some sort of abuse, and choosing for yourself (not for me or anyone else) to break the cycle, we are not good for each other. We only serve to keep each other in the cycle, me the victim, and you the abuser.

     I learned so much about how to love and respect myself in those years with him while learning to heal, and I eventually found my way out of that relationship, and into a relationship with myself, something I had never really had before.
     That was in 2003. I stayed single for eight years after that, working on my healing, writing my memoir, and generally learning to love and respect myself. I learned a lot in that time, and have developed a relationship with myself that I never even though was possible. It is truly the greatest and most important relationship I have ever had! I can assure you from the core of my soul that now, I would never let anyone treat me or my children the way that my father treated us! For me at least, the cycle has been broken.
     The sad thing is, I am one of the lucky ones. Many victims of abuse are not given the opportunity to live in a happy, healthy family after being victimized as children. Many are never given the message that they deserve better than to be treated that way, and they never learn their own capacity to make their lives good and whole. Many never get the chance to tell their truth and to be heard. All of these things I was given, and for that I am extremely grateful!
    I believe that the very first step in ending the cycle of abuse that is so very prevalent in our society (whether we want to believe it or not), is to make victims feel welcome and safe to share their story, and to get help and support. They need to be given a voice and they need to be heard! None of that will happen though unless they feel protected. While I think our society has worked hard to put supports in place for victims of abuse, and giving them a place to be heard, we are still lacking in the protection department, as will be more evident in my next blog post. Sadly, oftentimes perpetrators of abuse are protected more than the victims. I believe this makes ending the cycle very difficult for a lot of people. At least there is much more effort being put into changing how society deals with this subject today, and hopefully, one day, all victims of abuse will not hesitate to stand up and defend themselves when they are victimized, and real justice will be had!